Things I've learned from cardboard

As I sit here and attempt to eat my first ever portion of “stew”, I am reminded of the things that you can learn from cardboard.

I discovered this weekend a way to perk up my strawberry shakes.  Along with ice and water I added 5 frozen blue berries, a smidgen of wheat grass and 2 tsps of pomegranate juice.  I figured it would be my version of a jamba juice.  It actually reminded me of one, so please don’t spoil my strawberry delusions!  However my delusions of grandure were deflated this morning when I realized that my beloved wheat grass does NOT go with chocolate!  Every whif and every sip on my way to work, smelled and tasted like something my horse should be eating.  I am not a hippie or yuppie, nor do I live in the vortex known as Davis CA, so I will NOT be combining these again.

The bars are good, so I will be ordering MANY of these on my next order because….for lunch….

 I was carrying the cup in front of me as I walked from the lunch room and back to my hell hole of a desk.  I smelled something familiar, but it surely didn’t remind me of ‘stew’.  I thought maybe I was following a fart trail.   I got back to my desk and set it on my candle warmer for it’s indeterminate amount of ‘soak time’ that supposedly makes all this crap edible…..while I completed a call with a client.  The odor became a little stronger and it hit me……it smells perilously close to dog food.  At that whif, I figured I better just salt it now, so the first sip is at least salty flavored dog food.  So there I sit, staring into my cup, praying to my creator, that it doesn’t taste like dog food.  I figured I would start with the broth…whew that is OK.  Then I tried what I can only assume is a potato as it is white, yet it tastes like a freeze dried pea.  Not bad, I can tolerate those.  Now for the ‘beef’. …….remember that commercial ‘where’s the beef’?  Well I think it is in the dog food can, and the dog food is in my bowl!  My saving grace is that there aren’t that many pieces, the chunks are small, and I was able to slurp them up quickly and be done with them.  I think if ever you could manufacture barf….this would be it!

Skinny On

Michelle

Testing 1,2,3...you can comment now....I think

Weight 203
Cigarettes....who are we kidding here?  I smoke

Hey Jilleroo,

I have been doing the diet now for 5dys.  I have lost 5lbs.  Of course they are the same 5lbs I lost a few months ago.....like crappy relatives....they are hard to get rid of for good.  I have survived all the food, though I have NOT revisited the cappucino.....

In fact...I think it should be illegal to claim a name like that if it isn't gonna even come close to the same planet as it's name sake.  I have 4 boxes of it though.  Got some tips on how to make it taste better...but seriously....I think it is just more realistic to trade with some other sucker for a more desirable flavor.  A gal can dream right??

I know my next order will look drastically different.  I have been having a shake for breakfast and it is kinda replacing my frothy goodness of frappachino's.  I won't lie to you, like I lie to myself....it is no replacement....but it will have to do.

Skinny On
Michelle

Well, my cardboard is finally here!

My oh My!  finally....get to start the diet.  yesterday was my first day.  it was interesting to say the least.  so these meals...you are suppose to eat five of them a day, plus one lean meat and green vedgie meal.  So i started my day off with a food bar....not bad.  not great....but not bad.  peanut butter flavor.  I got to work and decided to try the cappucino...OMG...I about died!  it is far from coffee let me tell you.  starbucks would be out of buisness if they sold that crap!  So I had to remind myself....it is a 'coffee' FLAVORED meal.  that should speak for it self.  so i mixed in the hot water and waited for the 'soaking' period to be done.  i kept stirring, and stirring.....and stirring......but it was not fully disolved yet.  I emailed my friend who has had alot of success on this diet.....
i wrote....."what the F@#$ is floating in my coffee?" 
she replied...."floating?  did you stir it?" 
"my arm is about to fall off, what do you think?"
'i don't know....never had that flavor before, what does it look like?"
"Gel balls from the inside of a diaper"
"yuk....keep stirring"

so i did.  i came to the descision it was jut faster to rip the bandaid and slurp the floaters out in flailed swoop.

it took me about 45min to get close to being done drinking it.  on my third to last sip, as I tipped the cup up I was shocked to see this pile of congealed gloop at the bottom of the cup.  I stared at it for a while, and my co-workers stared at me laughing.  it soon became a topic of discussion and an oddity not to be missed, like the ones you pay a dollar to see at the carnival.  too bad i didn't charge for the show.

a few minutes later, i got up the courage to chew the last of my 'coffee' and be done with it for the day. But now it was time for lunch....which thankfuly was a far cry better on the palate.  chicken noodle soup, and oatmeal for a afternoon snack...both of those were edible for sure...although after the cappucino, i think i could have eaten dog crap and been happy.

6 meals a day comes out to eating about every 2 hours during my waking life.  i never realized how much that would be....untill the food left me full and with no desire to eat anymore of it.  So I couldn't eat my 5th 'meal' of the day.....and just waited until my lean and grean meal.  i wish i would have thawed something out.....but i was tired and lazy and settled for left over chicken and steamed spinach......YUMMM!

I woke up this morning and was 2lbs lighter....too bad I have to lose the same 7 lbs time and time again.

I tried the scrambled eggs this morning....YUMMY....seriously.....YUMMY.....and the crab soup isn't too bad either...though i think they use the word "crab" a bit loosly.....it was "meat stuff" but crab??  i dunno bout that.....at least it tasted like minastronne soup.  not bad.  i think i just may survive this.....

as long as i stay away from the cappucino!

Skinny On
Michelle

Hmm, guess my fat ass needs to blog more!

Weight: 202, cigarettes: no change.

So it was brought to my attention today, that someone wants me to write more about my fat ass getting a little less fatter!  So here I am.  2lbs from my first goal, and after my birthday lunch a few hours ago.....I have lost all feeling to my legs from my pants cutting off the circulation!  Seriously!  But it was sooooo goooood!  As I sit here at my desk, with my pants unzipped, needing to pee really bad, but unwilling to suffer the pain of zipping up to make the trip to the loo.  No worries, by the time my jeans and thong get done with me, my legs will be removable like Barbie's.

Good new is that I am trying a new diet for my birthday.  It is called Medi-fast, and it is something like dehydrated card board.  Apparently you have to soak your food for an hour before cooking it or something like that, but cult masters claim it is tasty.  I have been steared clear of the "nasty' flavors, and will be given a list of approved "recipes'.  I use the term 'recipe' loosly of course, as it basically is just mixing two flavors of cardboard together to get a new flavor.  Reputable sources say that it is tastier than Jenny Craig.  But I say, MY tastebuds will be the judge of that.  It will take a while to get the food delivered, but have no desire to pay extra shipping charges, when I can stretch out the love of a muffin just a few days longer.

Who wants to have a birthday and eat cardboard?  Unless they have cardboard frosting, I can wait to get started!  So here is a funny "Jack Ass' moment, just for you Jill!

So i lost enough weight to get into the jeans i am wearing today.  I wore them last friday, and by 2pm as they were cutting me in half at my desk, they had lost all appeal.  So on my long drive home I unszipped.  Forgot about it when i got home and I got out of the car took 3 steps and found myself a bit of a breeze on my bum.  Now this would not be so bad had I not been sporting a new thong from Victoria Secret, and NOT facing my neighbors window, in which her 40yo nephew peers from often!  Oh well, it is probably the most ass he has ever seen.  I am all about supporting the geek squad, you never know when my computer might crash and i need a little helping hand.  Best to butter the bread ahead of time, so I get no him'n and haw'n in the midst of a blog related emergency!

Well, for now I am just trying not to get fatter as I await my cardboard, ready to eat meals (1hr after soaking)

Skinny On
Michelle